i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
