I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
