you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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