oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
