then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
