Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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