I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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