i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
