my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
