This dress was meant to end up on your floor
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
