He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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