Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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