Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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