the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
