so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My feet surprised me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So here I am, sexting at work.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
