hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
