i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My ATM looks so different sober.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
