What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
