he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it glows. i had to have it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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