he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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