I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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