Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
