You really coming over, don't trick.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
