Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
