I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
