im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
