The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
