Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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