i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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