It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
