Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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