Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
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