if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
