he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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