She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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