im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
