I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
