Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
