Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
