Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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