i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
