I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
