Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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