Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
