in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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