Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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