When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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