i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
