I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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