that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
