How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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