im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
