hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I would ride that face into the sunset
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
